With just three days left in Australia, i realize my taste of heaven and freedom is coming to an end.Today marks two months over seas to date, which far exceeds any amount of time spent away from home in any consecutive manner. Back in July, a whole seven months ago, i stayed in Nebraska for almost four weeks and to say i was destroyed by the end of my trip would be forgiving. Then, i never could have imagined myself staying in another state (let alone another country) for this long. Surprisingly, i completely avoided crisis this go-around with the exception of a breif sobbing phone call home after the first couple of weeks. At that point, i had familiarized myself with surroundings accepted the cold, harsh reality that nothing would ever be the same. I don't consider that a break down, but rather a coming-to-my-senses... tears aside, it was a pleasent epiphany-- i no longer have doubts about my intentions here in Australia.
Coming home means a lot of things, but nothing is certain. I left hoping to return with an idea of what i wanted to do with my career, schooling, and life in general. Instead, i return knowing for sure not what i want to do, but what i don't want to do... which is nothing specific. One thig i do know is that i'll always be indecisive and some things you can't plan. I discovered a part of myself that i was always scared to look into. I always thought i wasn't adventurous, and that i'd always go the safe route just to make sure i didn't make any mistakes. I realize now that i am the complete opposite, and i always have been. I don't take steps, i plunge into whatever it is that i want to do and the irony of it all is that things like going skydiving only cause minor ripples in the water. I discovered this 'drive' that people compliment me on, and i realize my potential now more than i ever have. Before, it was like i had these arms and legs but i never knew what they did. I always felt disconnected and disjointed but i feel whole for once, i feel like a normal person with abnormal feelings and abnormal ambitions (define normal, Mackenzie). It is a beautiful feeling of self awareness and a level of confidence i don't think i would have ever discovered, had i not left the states for a breif two months. It excites me to know that if this much self-empowerment can take place in a very, very short two months- i have the rest of my life to figure things out, and that's more than enough time. Excuse my cliche, but the day i get back to sweet Texas will be the beginning of the rest of my life. Up until this point, i wasn't living my life. I skimmed by, assuming i knew what i was doing and hoping for the best. Not that i won't continue doing the same thing, i'll just take comfort in knowing that this isn't the first time i'll ruin something and it definately isn't the last. But i think the most important point i'm reaching to make is this: I love messing things up. What's better than getting yourself in the the biggest, messiest, ugliest, tangled web you've ever made and feeling absoloutely stuck and miserable only to get yourself out? That feeling when you realize you made it out alive, and the rest is an easy tumbling down until you hit the next kink in the rope is absoloutely worth making a mistake. Maybe i'm crazy and enjoy sulking in self pity, or maybe i even enjoy the termoil; Or, perhaps i hold a special appreciation for the hardening of life. I know now that no situation is worth 'losing it' over, and no matter what you do about anything- it has an inevitable end.
I ramble on, but i really do hope my readers (family and friends alike) take something out of my travels even though they could not be here with me. If there is anything i could share with the world and hammer into the minds of every single person i know, it's that you should absoloutely learn to be alone and that it's never too late to become your own person. Though it doesn't seem like it, this trip was one of the hardest things i'll ever have to do. Overcoming the fear of being away from the ones you love and every single familiar thing is the only way to test your inner strength and your ability to adapt and cope with starting over. Removing yourself from things you directly link to your identity makes you realize how things really are. You notice things about yourself that you hate and you have no choice but to change, and not for anyone else but for yourself. You put yourself first not because you're selfish, but because you need to survive and do absoloutely anything you can to maintain a sense of being 'grounded'. People don't know that you read Shakespeare, that you like Radiohead, what you went to school for, or even that you got into one of the top graduate schools in the world- they don't care. You are none of those things. You are a human being, no more or less than anyone else. You have the ability to create, inspire, communicate, imagine, and move in one inevitable motion: forward. You have the power to convince anyone in the world that you are a good person, and that you have the capacity to love endlessly because you do; You were created with the ability to form friendships and relate to others. So who are you without your friends, without your family, music, books, and pets? You are a person worth discovering.

Saudade

Saudade (European Portuguese: [sɐwˈðaðɨ], Brazilian Portuguese: [sawˈdadʒi], Galician: [sawˈðaðe]; plural saudades)^[1] is a unique Galician-Portuguese word that has no immediate translation in English. Saudade describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. It's related to the feelings of longing, yearning.
Saudade has been described as a "...vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future."^[2] A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing. It may also be translated as a deep longing or yearning for something that does not exist or is unattainable.
Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one's children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends, pets) or something (e.g., places, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. In Portuguese, 'tenho saudades tuas', translates as 'I have saudades of you' meaning 'I miss you', but carries a much stronger tone. In fact, one can have 'saudades' of someone whom one is with, but have some feeling of loss towards the past or the future.In Brazil, the day of saudade is officially celebrated on January 30.

It is in this mood, this explanation of something so deflated and profound, that i will make my points. Saudade is a simple word that applies to every crevice of my psyche. It encompasses my philosophies in one sharp bullet, piercing through multiple walls- straight to the core. It is how i feel, and it is what i will unavoidably fall victim to in the future-- being a victim could be so pitiful, but alas... i long for it. The ever-pouring of heart into bottomless glasses and the inevitable tipping point. There are spaces to fill and spaces to empty, and again and again. Wanting something back because you feel you deserve it, but wanting nothing to do with it because you feel selfish. The destruction to re-build.

It is often mistaken that all travelling must be done in specific manner: Bags must be prepared in advance, and not a thing should be left out- especially the essentials to ready you for the change in living space and possible emergencies. If it is so, I was unaware. To say I came unprepared is a hyperbolic statement and I refuse to use it in regards to the magnificent specimen that is Mackenzie Willems. I arrived completely and utterly prepared for absolutely anything, which means pack specifically for nothing. Unlike most people, I see my travels not as an extended holiday or vacation; I take myself quite seriously as well as my plans for the future- anything less and I am unamused. Instead, I see this:

“Mackenzie Willems: Thrill-seeker on the loose, living on the edge of life but only for poetry’s sake! With expert mistake-making skills and fantastical optimism powers, she is nothing short of a travelers Hero.”

You can now see that there seems to be a common misunderstanding about my whereabouts; It is not exclusively about the country, but explicitly about me. How is such a bold statement left unnoticed? Could it really be that Mackenzie has gone under the radar and truly fooled her peers? What a costly thought! But rest assured, my journey is nearing its end and I am satisfied with my discoveries so far. I have jumped out of a plane 14,000 feet in the air, relaxed on some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, and met some of the most sincere friends- what more could you ask for? Though these things were not on my seemingly endless checklist of “To-Do’s”, they happened and will forever remain in my memory. Experiences aside, what I’m really getting at is the importance of this journey (not holiday) in regards to my character, personality, and independence. I left the states because I needed to, it was not for pleasure or fun- but for the pure fact that I needed to be alone. I needed to submerge myself in a world separate from my family and friends, I needed to make mistakes and figure it out, I needed to do something right on my own so I knew it was really me that fixed something. I needed to hurt and feel lost and snap back without any help. I needed to be myself, without any outside influences and triggers.
I know now that I have been given an opportunity of a life time. Things like these feel magnificent, but aren’t a reality until you follow. I have a gift to change myself in situations people would never be able to see past, and under shattering conditions otherwise known as “not knowing what to do”. I drag my mangled soul out of the rubbish time and time again, so let us rejoice in a wholesome homecoming and, in some ways, a life-saving experiment on one’s self.  20 days left and standing strong: It is up to me to decide if this is a success story or pretext to a pitiful tumbling down, and up to you to judge for whatever reason you can’t avoid.

February 29, 2012

Today was the last calendar day of summer in Australia. The morning air is thinner and the evenings greet with a bittersweet breeze. The heavy afternoons are falling behind and the harsh transition of light will soon begin, making the laundry out on the line look faded and crisp. Perhaps some leaves will drop, but I am unsure. My native Texan blood expects nothing but sudden dry air and brown leaves on the ground overnight.  In just this day, I can tell the end of my stay here will be a dash more than enjoyable.
There are a lot of subtle things I miss about home, but even more hints that I’ll miss from Brisbane upon my return.  My heart belongs to the ocean and the coastlines of the world, never promised to stay here or there. My soul belongs to the salty breeze and the sea foam rolling across the sand. Wherever I go, I’ll long for the undertow of the ocean and raw fingertips. The farther inland I go I lose my sense of belonging. I suppose that is what I’ll miss the most no matter where I end up.
Travelling strips you down and it stings. It robs you of your identity, steals your dignity, and runs with it all in a burlap sack. She slaps you with a wet hand and kisses you with the sweetest lips. Your world turns upside down but you manage to live a life parallel to what you were so used to. It makes you feel disgusting and unsure, miserable and excited. Everything you love you love more and happiness comes easier than it used to. You travel because you want something different, because you’re looking for something you think you need, because you’re scared that you won’t be scared- and then you’re right and you go home.  I’d like to think I figured it out but I’m not even close. The only thing I was sure of is that I wasn’t scared and that’s about all I’ve ever gotten right.

Forever is a long, long time when you've lost your way.

I've been presented with tempting options upon my arrival home, and even more enticing places to visit instead. I'm leaving the sidewalks lined with magnolia and palm trees, the crosswalks with flowers stuck to the hot asphalt, the hot metal benches at the bus stops and train stations, the massive hill that is Gladstone road, the hike to South Bank, the river, the shaded parks with bright green grass, the tan lines from being outdoors for a mere 10 minutes- i'll miss it all.  March 24th is 25 days away, which comes out to 3 weeks and 3 days.
Part of me is wondering how i'll feel once i'm back home...What will it be like once i've fallen back into old routine of cleaning house, weekly gatherings with friends, and generally settling in? Am i going to go stir crazy knowing there isn't a massive city outside my front door, waiting to be explored? How unexciting to know what to spend my money on and what time the sun sets and rises, or even what time stores open and close. I'll go from not knowing what to do with my time because i'm unfamiliar with my surroundings to utterly having no clue what to do. I'll grow lonely again, but not because my friends and family are in another country. I'll get tired of listening to everyone's lives and not listening to my own. I'll get bored with my work and eventually stop writing and painting. Or maybe i won't, maybe this 'falling off the earth' is what's going to make my life different. That's got to be it, i just don't know it yet.

Over the weekend Amber and I drove out to Currumbin for Paul's rugby match! We got a room in Surfers Paradise, which is a 15 minute drive from Currumbin and a 1 hour drive from Brisbane. The view from our room was amazing and the beaches were fantastic. I had been waiting for a weekend like this since i got off the plane!

 After spending the late afternoon melting into the sand, we headed back to the room to shower and get ready for dinner. We chose an Italian place where we celebrated the nice weekend away.

The next day we enjoyed a nice 'brekky' and the beaches of Surfers Paradise a little more before heading out to Currumbin to watch the final rugby match. We ended the day by going to a Rock Pool in the hill country and cooled off in the ice cold water! After freezing our butts off, we decided to find a beach and wash off before heading back home to Brisbane. 

Friday morning i booked an appointment to go Skydiving in Byron Bay! It was one of the best experiences of my life, and i would go again and again if given the chance. I already posted a few photos of me getting my harness on and preparing to head up and also some of me landing. The deal included a DVD of footage taken of the jump from a fish eye camera attached to my instructors wrist, as well as a slew of photos taken from the wing of the plane as we jumped. I should be getting the DVD and photos in the mail within the next couple of days! I'll be sure to post as much as i can once i get the package.
For now, i have some photos of Byron Bay that i took after i went skydiving. The view was amazing!