Saudade (European Portuguese: [sɐwˈðaðɨ], Brazilian Portuguese: [sawˈdadʒi], Galician: [sawˈðaðe]; plural saudades)[1] is a unique Galician-Portuguese word that has no immediate translation in English. Saudade describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return. It's related to the feelings of longing, yearning.It is in this mood, this explanation of something so deflated and profound, that i will make my points. Saudade is a simple word that applies to every crevice of my psyche. It encompasses my philosophies in one sharp bullet, piercing through multiple walls- straight to the core. It is how i feel, and it is what i will unavoidably fall victim to in the future-- being a victim could be so pitiful, but alas... i long for it. The ever-pouring of heart into bottomless glasses and the inevitable tipping point. There are spaces to fill and spaces to empty, and again and again. Wanting something back because you feel you deserve it, but wanting nothing to do with it because you feel selfish. The destruction to re-build.
Saudade has been described as a "...vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future."[2] A stronger form of saudade may be felt towards people and things whose whereabouts are unknown, such as a lost lover, or a family member who has gone missing. It may also be translated as a deep longing or yearning for something that does not exist or is unattainable.
Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone (e.g., one's children, parents, sibling, grandparents, friends, pets) or something (e.g., places, things one used to do in childhood, or other activities performed in the past) should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence. In Portuguese, 'tenho saudades tuas', translates as 'I have saudades of you' meaning 'I miss you', but carries a much stronger tone. In fact, one can have 'saudades' of someone whom one is with, but have some feeling of loss towards the past or the future.In Brazil, the day of saudade is officially celebrated on January 30.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Saudade
Monday, March 5, 2012
It is often mistaken that all travelling must be done in specific manner: Bags must be prepared in advance, and not a thing should be left out- especially the essentials to ready you for the change in living space and possible emergencies. If it is so, I was unaware. To say I came unprepared is a hyperbolic statement and I refuse to use it in regards to the magnificent specimen that is Mackenzie Willems. I arrived completely and utterly prepared for absolutely anything, which means pack specifically for nothing. Unlike most people, I see my travels not as an extended holiday or vacation; I take myself quite seriously as well as my plans for the future- anything less and I am unamused. Instead, I see this:
“Mackenzie Willems: Thrill-seeker on the loose, living on the edge of life but only for poetry’s sake! With expert mistake-making skills and fantastical optimism powers, she is nothing short of a travelers Hero.”
“Mackenzie Willems: Thrill-seeker on the loose, living on the edge of life but only for poetry’s sake! With expert mistake-making skills and fantastical optimism powers, she is nothing short of a travelers Hero.”
You can now see that there seems to be a common misunderstanding about my whereabouts; It is not exclusively about the country, but explicitly about me. How is such a bold statement left unnoticed? Could it really be that Mackenzie has gone under the radar and truly fooled her peers? What a costly thought! But rest assured, my journey is nearing its end and I am satisfied with my discoveries so far. I have jumped out of a plane 14,000 feet in the air, relaxed on some of the most beautiful beaches in the world, and met some of the most sincere friends- what more could you ask for? Though these things were not on my seemingly endless checklist of “To-Do’s”, they happened and will forever remain in my memory. Experiences aside, what I’m really getting at is the importance of this journey (not holiday) in regards to my character, personality, and independence. I left the states because I needed to, it was not for pleasure or fun- but for the pure fact that I needed to be alone. I needed to submerge myself in a world separate from my family and friends, I needed to make mistakes and figure it out, I needed to do something right on my own so I knew it was really me that fixed something. I needed to hurt and feel lost and snap back without any help. I needed to be myself, without any outside influences and triggers.
I know now that I have been given an opportunity of a life time. Things like these feel magnificent, but aren’t a reality until you follow. I have a gift to change myself in situations people would never be able to see past, and under shattering conditions otherwise known as “not knowing what to do”. I drag my mangled soul out of the rubbish time and time again, so let us rejoice in a wholesome homecoming and, in some ways, a life-saving experiment on one’s self. 20 days left and standing strong: It is up to me to decide if this is a success story or pretext to a pitiful tumbling down, and up to you to judge for whatever reason you can’t avoid.
I know now that I have been given an opportunity of a life time. Things like these feel magnificent, but aren’t a reality until you follow. I have a gift to change myself in situations people would never be able to see past, and under shattering conditions otherwise known as “not knowing what to do”. I drag my mangled soul out of the rubbish time and time again, so let us rejoice in a wholesome homecoming and, in some ways, a life-saving experiment on one’s self. 20 days left and standing strong: It is up to me to decide if this is a success story or pretext to a pitiful tumbling down, and up to you to judge for whatever reason you can’t avoid.
February 29, 2012
Today was the last calendar day of summer in Australia. The morning air is thinner and the evenings greet with a bittersweet breeze. The heavy afternoons are falling behind and the harsh transition of light will soon begin, making the laundry out on the line look faded and crisp. Perhaps some leaves will drop, but I am unsure. My native Texan blood expects nothing but sudden dry air and brown leaves on the ground overnight. In just this day, I can tell the end of my stay here will be a dash more than enjoyable.
There are a lot of subtle things I miss about home, but even more hints that I’ll miss from Brisbane upon my return. My heart belongs to the ocean and the coastlines of the world, never promised to stay here or there. My soul belongs to the salty breeze and the sea foam rolling across the sand. Wherever I go, I’ll long for the undertow of the ocean and raw fingertips. The farther inland I go I lose my sense of belonging. I suppose that is what I’ll miss the most no matter where I end up.
Travelling strips you down and it stings. It robs you of your identity, steals your dignity, and runs with it all in a burlap sack. She slaps you with a wet hand and kisses you with the sweetest lips. Your world turns upside down but you manage to live a life parallel to what you were so used to. It makes you feel disgusting and unsure, miserable and excited. Everything you love you love more and happiness comes easier than it used to. You travel because you want something different, because you’re looking for something you think you need, because you’re scared that you won’t be scared- and then you’re right and you go home. I’d like to think I figured it out but I’m not even close. The only thing I was sure of is that I wasn’t scared and that’s about all I’ve ever gotten right.
There are a lot of subtle things I miss about home, but even more hints that I’ll miss from Brisbane upon my return. My heart belongs to the ocean and the coastlines of the world, never promised to stay here or there. My soul belongs to the salty breeze and the sea foam rolling across the sand. Wherever I go, I’ll long for the undertow of the ocean and raw fingertips. The farther inland I go I lose my sense of belonging. I suppose that is what I’ll miss the most no matter where I end up.
Travelling strips you down and it stings. It robs you of your identity, steals your dignity, and runs with it all in a burlap sack. She slaps you with a wet hand and kisses you with the sweetest lips. Your world turns upside down but you manage to live a life parallel to what you were so used to. It makes you feel disgusting and unsure, miserable and excited. Everything you love you love more and happiness comes easier than it used to. You travel because you want something different, because you’re looking for something you think you need, because you’re scared that you won’t be scared- and then you’re right and you go home. I’d like to think I figured it out but I’m not even close. The only thing I was sure of is that I wasn’t scared and that’s about all I’ve ever gotten right.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Forever is a long, long time when you've lost your way.
I've been presented with tempting options upon my arrival home, and even more enticing places to visit instead. I'm leaving the sidewalks lined with magnolia and palm trees, the crosswalks with flowers stuck to the hot asphalt, the hot metal benches at the bus stops and train stations, the massive hill that is Gladstone road, the hike to South Bank, the river, the shaded parks with bright green grass, the tan lines from being outdoors for a mere 10 minutes- i'll miss it all. March 24th is 25 days away, which comes out to 3 weeks and 3 days.
Part of me is wondering how i'll feel once i'm back home...What will it be like once i've fallen back into old routine of cleaning house, weekly gatherings with friends, and generally settling in? Am i going to go stir crazy knowing there isn't a massive city outside my front door, waiting to be explored? How unexciting to know what to spend my money on and what time the sun sets and rises, or even what time stores open and close. I'll go from not knowing what to do with my time because i'm unfamiliar with my surroundings to utterly having no clue what to do. I'll grow lonely again, but not because my friends and family are in another country. I'll get tired of listening to everyone's lives and not listening to my own. I'll get bored with my work and eventually stop writing and painting. Or maybe i won't, maybe this 'falling off the earth' is what's going to make my life different. That's got to be it, i just don't know it yet.
Part of me is wondering how i'll feel once i'm back home...What will it be like once i've fallen back into old routine of cleaning house, weekly gatherings with friends, and generally settling in? Am i going to go stir crazy knowing there isn't a massive city outside my front door, waiting to be explored? How unexciting to know what to spend my money on and what time the sun sets and rises, or even what time stores open and close. I'll go from not knowing what to do with my time because i'm unfamiliar with my surroundings to utterly having no clue what to do. I'll grow lonely again, but not because my friends and family are in another country. I'll get tired of listening to everyone's lives and not listening to my own. I'll get bored with my work and eventually stop writing and painting. Or maybe i won't, maybe this 'falling off the earth' is what's going to make my life different. That's got to be it, i just don't know it yet.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Over the weekend Amber and I drove out to Currumbin for Paul's rugby match! We got a room in Surfers Paradise, which is a 15 minute drive from Currumbin and a 1 hour drive from Brisbane. The view from our room was amazing and the beaches were fantastic. I had been waiting for a weekend like this since i got off the plane!
The next day we enjoyed a nice 'brekky' and the beaches of Surfers Paradise a little more before heading out to Currumbin to watch the final rugby match. We ended the day by going to a Rock Pool in the hill country and cooled off in the ice cold water! After freezing our butts off, we decided to find a beach and wash off before heading back home to Brisbane.
For now, i have some photos of Byron Bay that i took after i went skydiving. The view was amazing!
My homecoming is a daunting reminder of how much I won’t be able to see during my stay here. From Ayers Rock to the endless beaches that string along the east coast- I will have only had the pleasure of catching a peak into the vast land that is Australia. I don’t go a second without thinking of my loved ones back in the States that helped get me here. So many people have played a role in my travels, both before and after I left. I received so much support and encouragement and I will never be able to fully express how grateful I am for that. The love I have for my family and friends is endless and I hope everyone is getting a little something out of this, even though you aren’t here to bless me with your presence.
If you know me, you know that I always have a theory, explanation, or guess as to why something is the way it is. My life has been easier since I’ve been here, I never have to stress or over-think much anymore… but why? What is it about changing living spaces, situations, and surroundings altogether (more like leaving the country) that makes it so much easier to just be? To exist on a level you feel comfortable? Perhaps something in me has changed and I never knew how to be comfortable with things just being things. I’m dancing around the question with words, so I should get to the point: People fall in and out of my life often, most of the time it stings a little more than it should. I think about it until I am no longer able to make sense of anything anymore, thus resulting in a frustrated, confused, and altogether puzzled girl. But, no worries- there is a light at the end of my wordy tunnel! The past month of my life I have done nothing but realize all that people have done for me in the process of destroying my (probably too tender and forgiving) heart. Through all the abandonment, broken trust, communication issues, and just soiled friendships I have learned that I am ultimately responsible for my actions and feelings. There is nothing in the world that could bother me so much that I wouldn’t be able to pick up the pieces. I have nobody to thank but the people who aren’t in my life anymore… so thank you, thank you for showing me that I am capable of picking up the pieces time and time again. Thank you for showing me that I am strong enough to travel alone, to accept the love I am given, and to always strive for the betterment of my loved ones and treat others the way that I deserve to be treated.
This weekend was especially trivial to me because I couldn’t get one specific conversation off my mind, nor could I be bothered to rid my mind of the person linked to said conversation. I know I just got done rambling on and on about the “bigger picture” and the ultimate purpose of estranged friendships… but what about the opposite? The excitement and thrill of introducing new people into my intricately woven web of a life I have made for myself is something I will never get over. So here’s a tip of my glass recent discoveries of new hearts to warm and brains to pick! I can’t wait to see what you bring into my life.
If you know me, you know that I always have a theory, explanation, or guess as to why something is the way it is. My life has been easier since I’ve been here, I never have to stress or over-think much anymore… but why? What is it about changing living spaces, situations, and surroundings altogether (more like leaving the country) that makes it so much easier to just be? To exist on a level you feel comfortable? Perhaps something in me has changed and I never knew how to be comfortable with things just being things. I’m dancing around the question with words, so I should get to the point: People fall in and out of my life often, most of the time it stings a little more than it should. I think about it until I am no longer able to make sense of anything anymore, thus resulting in a frustrated, confused, and altogether puzzled girl. But, no worries- there is a light at the end of my wordy tunnel! The past month of my life I have done nothing but realize all that people have done for me in the process of destroying my (probably too tender and forgiving) heart. Through all the abandonment, broken trust, communication issues, and just soiled friendships I have learned that I am ultimately responsible for my actions and feelings. There is nothing in the world that could bother me so much that I wouldn’t be able to pick up the pieces. I have nobody to thank but the people who aren’t in my life anymore… so thank you, thank you for showing me that I am capable of picking up the pieces time and time again. Thank you for showing me that I am strong enough to travel alone, to accept the love I am given, and to always strive for the betterment of my loved ones and treat others the way that I deserve to be treated.
This weekend was especially trivial to me because I couldn’t get one specific conversation off my mind, nor could I be bothered to rid my mind of the person linked to said conversation. I know I just got done rambling on and on about the “bigger picture” and the ultimate purpose of estranged friendships… but what about the opposite? The excitement and thrill of introducing new people into my intricately woven web of a life I have made for myself is something I will never get over. So here’s a tip of my glass recent discoveries of new hearts to warm and brains to pick! I can’t wait to see what you bring into my life.
Sometimes it’s hard to see a positive outcome when things get tough, but I am living proof that anything can happen if you want it to. I dreamt about getting out and just going somewhere nobody I knew had gone before and… I did it. I am living the dream and there is absolutely nothing I could ever say to explain how thrilled I am to have this life, body, and soul.
At last,
M.
At last,
M.
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