Forever is a long, long time when you've lost your way.

I've been presented with tempting options upon my arrival home, and even more enticing places to visit instead. I'm leaving the sidewalks lined with magnolia and palm trees, the crosswalks with flowers stuck to the hot asphalt, the hot metal benches at the bus stops and train stations, the massive hill that is Gladstone road, the hike to South Bank, the river, the shaded parks with bright green grass, the tan lines from being outdoors for a mere 10 minutes- i'll miss it all.  March 24th is 25 days away, which comes out to 3 weeks and 3 days.
Part of me is wondering how i'll feel once i'm back home...What will it be like once i've fallen back into old routine of cleaning house, weekly gatherings with friends, and generally settling in? Am i going to go stir crazy knowing there isn't a massive city outside my front door, waiting to be explored? How unexciting to know what to spend my money on and what time the sun sets and rises, or even what time stores open and close. I'll go from not knowing what to do with my time because i'm unfamiliar with my surroundings to utterly having no clue what to do. I'll grow lonely again, but not because my friends and family are in another country. I'll get tired of listening to everyone's lives and not listening to my own. I'll get bored with my work and eventually stop writing and painting. Or maybe i won't, maybe this 'falling off the earth' is what's going to make my life different. That's got to be it, i just don't know it yet.

Over the weekend Amber and I drove out to Currumbin for Paul's rugby match! We got a room in Surfers Paradise, which is a 15 minute drive from Currumbin and a 1 hour drive from Brisbane. The view from our room was amazing and the beaches were fantastic. I had been waiting for a weekend like this since i got off the plane!

 After spending the late afternoon melting into the sand, we headed back to the room to shower and get ready for dinner. We chose an Italian place where we celebrated the nice weekend away.

The next day we enjoyed a nice 'brekky' and the beaches of Surfers Paradise a little more before heading out to Currumbin to watch the final rugby match. We ended the day by going to a Rock Pool in the hill country and cooled off in the ice cold water! After freezing our butts off, we decided to find a beach and wash off before heading back home to Brisbane. 

Friday morning i booked an appointment to go Skydiving in Byron Bay! It was one of the best experiences of my life, and i would go again and again if given the chance. I already posted a few photos of me getting my harness on and preparing to head up and also some of me landing. The deal included a DVD of footage taken of the jump from a fish eye camera attached to my instructors wrist, as well as a slew of photos taken from the wing of the plane as we jumped. I should be getting the DVD and photos in the mail within the next couple of days! I'll be sure to post as much as i can once i get the package.
For now, i have some photos of Byron Bay that i took after i went skydiving. The view was amazing!

My homecoming is a daunting reminder of how much I won’t be able to see during my stay here. From Ayers Rock to the endless beaches that string along the east coast- I will have only had the pleasure of catching a peak into the vast land that is Australia. I don’t go a second without thinking of my loved ones back in the States that helped get me here. So many people have played a role in my travels, both before and after I left. I received so much support and encouragement and I will never be able to fully express how grateful I am for that. The love I have for my family and friends is endless and I hope everyone is getting a little something out of this, even though you aren’t here to bless me with your presence.
If you know me, you know that I always have a theory, explanation, or guess as to why something is the way it is. My life has been easier since I’ve been here, I never have to stress or over-think much anymore… but why? What is it about changing living spaces, situations, and surroundings altogether (more like leaving the country) that makes it so much easier to just be? To exist on a level you feel comfortable?  Perhaps something in me has changed and I never knew how to be comfortable with things just being things. I’m dancing around the question with words, so I should get to the point: People fall in and out of my life often, most of the time it stings a little more than it should.  I think about it until I am no longer able to make sense of anything anymore, thus resulting in a frustrated, confused, and altogether puzzled girl. But, no worries- there is a light at the end of my wordy tunnel! The past month of my life I have done nothing but realize all that people have done for me in the process of destroying my (probably too tender and forgiving) heart. Through all the abandonment, broken trust, communication issues, and just soiled friendships I have learned that I am ultimately responsible for my actions and feelings. There is nothing in the world that could bother me so much that I wouldn’t be able to pick up the pieces.  I have nobody to thank but the people who aren’t in my life anymore… so thank you, thank you for showing me that I am capable of picking up the pieces time and time again. Thank you for showing me that I am strong enough to travel alone, to accept the love I am given, and to always strive for the betterment of my loved ones and treat others the way that I deserve to be treated.
 This weekend was especially trivial to me because I couldn’t get one specific conversation off my mind, nor could I be bothered to rid my mind of the person linked to said conversation. I know I just got done rambling on and on about the “bigger picture” and the ultimate purpose of estranged friendships… but what about the opposite?  The excitement and thrill of introducing new people into my intricately woven web of a life I have made for myself is something I will never get over. So here’s a tip of my glass recent discoveries of new hearts to warm and brains to pick! I can’t wait to see what you bring into my life.

Sometimes it’s hard to see a positive outcome when things get tough, but I am living proof that anything can happen if you want it to. I dreamt about getting out and just going somewhere nobody I knew had gone before and… I did it. I am living the dream and there is absolutely nothing I could ever say to explain how thrilled I am to have this life, body, and soul.

At last,
M.

Weary, but confident: Mackenzie Willems

I realize my absence has been noted, and i am here to rescue my mother from throwing her palms in the air in frustration and excitement for updates with no avail... No worries, Mother- i am here to save the day once again.

The last subject i touched on was a tad revealing in comparison to my previous posts. Initially, i was uncomfortable and considered editing out some bits or rewording or even deleting the post completely... but then i realized that i'm not a very censored person to begin with, so why did the subject matter rub in such a funny way? I decided that everything i'm going to post now- and in the future- will be completely and utterly uncensored. No editing, no rewording, no rearranging, no changing details- pure thought and memories, moods and colors. What is uncomfortable to me is unfamiliar, uncharted territory. I have a job to do and things to find out. Someone has to give the family something to talk about, right?

There's something about a city at night, after the traffic dies down and business women and men alike return to their homes to kick off their shoes and call it a day. Some sigh with exhaustion and some are just coming around. But none of that changes the cooling temperatures and the thinning air. The warm asphalt and concrete. The trees and plants finally gaining strength after a long, scorching, dehydrating day beneath the Australian sun. These things call on me- they summon me to the streets for a walk with no shoes. A seat on the patio for dinner. A lazy evening on the couch by the window. An endless breeze to kiss me, and a forgiving temperature asking me to stay. The longest day in the world flooded with uncertainty and confusion- all washed away with the setting of the sun. My toes are in the sand forever.

A journey is the act of traveling from one place to another. My only question for you is this: What is my journey if have no destination? What is yours? What counts as your destination, and is it an abstract speculation or accurate depiction of a worldly location? I want to know.

Note: Comments are always welcome, and i promise you a reply.

What i've been tossing back and fourth today is not only a question regarding character, but identity based solely on familiar surroundings. Are you who you are because of the people you are comfortable with? Are you the same when they aren't around? Which 'persona', if you will, do you find more revealing? I never coped with being vulnerable. I'm finding the things i left alone thick with questionable anxieties.
I never thought i'd come to realize that i miss my delusional life that was swallowed with convenience.

"I am a painter of nature, of natures moods, of sunlight and the changing temper of the sea."

A quote by John Russell consumed the top right corner of the room, presenting itself in glossy, black letters. Beneath the text a few Russell paintings sprawled across the wall in harmony with a set of paintings by E. Phillips Fox, a Naturalist painter. 

Bathing Hour by E. Phillips Fox

I sat on a bench in the middle of the room drifting back and fourth between enjoying the Queensland Art Gallery and dreading my walk back to the Institute of Technology campus in the lingering humidity. I was still cooling off from the trek to the museum but it didn't take away from my experience, that would have been impossible to do. I swiveled on the bench to face the opposite direction only to discover wonderful figure drawings by Rupert Bunny aligned across the wall; Both E. Philips Fox and Rupert Bunny were native to Australia, and both studied at National Gallery School in Melbourne, Victoria. As i wandered into the next room i was pleasantly surprised by a slew of paintings of Edwardian women spread across Parlor seating. The first thing that came to mind was "draw me like one of your french girls" and i giggled to myself. The paintings were beautiful, but i moved into the next collection.

Kite Flying by Ian Fairweather

The rest of my discoveries were wonderful. I took a liking to the Scottish-born painter Ian Fairweather and the Australian painter/printmaker Sidney Nolan. So much more caught my eye but names and titles always seem to slip through the cracks- but what i do remember is another piece by Ian Fairweather titled "War and Peace" and a portrait by Henri Toulouse-Loutres (that remains un-named in my mind) but i was unable to find photos of these pieces but i thought they were worth mentioning.

Mrs. Fraser and Convict by Sydney Nolan